A recent survey of boomer-age people asked what they most regretted as they approached old age.\u00a0 A significant majority cited \u2018unresolved issues with parents, who were now deceased\u2019.\u00a0 I totally get that.<\/p>\n
As, it seems, do many of my peers.\u00a0 As we collectively shuffle along this mortal coil, many of my cohort are hustling to re-engage, re-unite, or otherwise re-visit ties with their parents.\u00a0 In the past couple of weeks I\u2019ve encountered newsman Anderson Cooper re-kindling his relationship with his celebrity mom (I had no idea they were related) and Juan Thompson\u2019s memoir on growing up as the very conflicted son of gonzo journalist (and personal hero of mine) Hunter S. Thompson.<\/p>\n
On this score, I was ahead of the curve.\u00a0 I learned pretty early that my folks wouldn\u2019t necessarily be around that long.<\/p>\n
My dad had congenital heart troubles, which led him to require open heart surgery when he was still in his early 50\u2019s.\u00a0 He made light weather of it and, following his lead, so did the rest of the family.\u00a0 As he had repeatedly assured us, the surgery went well, he recuperated strongly, and soon life was more or less back to normal.\u00a0 Only later did we realise how touch and go the situation had been.<\/p>\n
Some ten years later he had to go in again.\u00a0 This was in the relatively early days of open heart surgery when it was rare that patients outlived the spare parts implanted within them, but my father managed it and needed to have a couple of components replaced with newer models. Nevertheless, second rounds were exceptionally risky, and this time the expectations were much lower, and more realistic.\u00a0 Chances of survival were maybe 50:50.\u00a0 As Dad was admitted, my mother was told to gather the family and prepare your goodbyes. Which she did.\u00a0 Which we did.<\/p>\n
As it happened, he came through, and lived a reasonably robust, active life for almost another ten years before passing away peacefully in his sleep one night with no warning or premonition.\u00a0 Suddenly, after two close calls, he was gone.\u00a0 But his brushes with death had two powerful effects on the family.<\/p>\n
After the first one, my father went to great pains to ensure that his \u2018affairs were in order\u2019.\u00a0 I think for the first time in his life he faced mortality head on, and realised just how ill prepared he was for it. \u00a0So he set about ensuring that all his assets and accounts were organized so that when he died, Mum would have as little stress as possible about all that side of things.\u00a0 And when the time came, we were all incredibly thankful for his pragmatism in this area.<\/p>\n
The second effect was to make me and my siblings realise just how mortal our parents were, and that you don\u2019t always get the chance tomorrow to say what you wished you had said today.\u00a0 After my father\u2019s second operation, I think we valued his \u2013 and Mom\u2019s \u2013 time on earth just a little more than we had before.\u00a0 We did say the things we wanted to say to him, we got closer, more affectionate, more attentive about visiting and calling regularly.\u00a0 We made the best of the times we had with him.\u00a0 And when he did finally go (and likewise Mom, a few years later) there was the inevitable sadness and grief, but there was not the regret of things not said or done.<\/p>\n
All these thoughts and feelings were brought sharply to the surface last year when a local marketing company posted a video titled \u2018Tell Them Now\u2019.\u00a0 It was promoted as a heart-warming Fathers\u2019 Day tribute, an emotion-laden portrayal of adult children opening up to their fathers, and it quickly gained traction online.\u00a0 You can watch it here.<\/p>\n